I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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