i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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