I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Randomize
