I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
