I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
