I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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