Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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