Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
