oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
