Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
