I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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