I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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