Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
