On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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