I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
