I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
We need a shit load of segways right now
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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