Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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