i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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