I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
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