One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
