I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
