My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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