FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
