Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
