he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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