there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
