what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
