Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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