She is in my trunk
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
