Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You ruined the universe
Randomize
