i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Ketchup is God's man juice
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
