Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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