I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
