the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
