seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
you're hired as official boob wrangler
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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