I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
