I hate your face
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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