Apparently you make a good broom.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
