on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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