The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
