i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
