I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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