My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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