"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
