but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
