sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
