He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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