if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
