I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
