end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
