He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
