I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
