I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
