I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
