May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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